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Sunday, August 7, 2011

Dear Republicans

Dear Republicans:

I love you! I really, really do. I might be the only person to the left of Atilla the Hun who loves you, but I really, really do. (Google it, TP members! And, start supporting education, for God’s sake!)

Recently, I have discovered how much we have in common. This is causing me some grave personal problems and some real heart-burn.

I am having an identity crisis. I am afraid I might have a Republican hidden inside my compassionate, intelligent, informed, and educated body.

Hope I didn’t hurt your feelings! Actually, I’m just messin’ with you. What I really fear is that I might be a closet Republican.

Am I too old to have an id crisis? Hell to the no! I hate ageism and prejudice of every sort. If young people and gay people can have an identity crisis, then I can, too!

So, here are the reasons I think I might be a closet Republican. What do you think?

I hate political correctness. When I first started hanging out with Republicans a few years ago, I was completely confused by all the words and phrases I couldn’t say anymore. Atheism? A complete no-no! Feminism! Bwahahahaha! And, please don’t begin a sentence with “Ethnic...” even if you were going to say something about ethnic food. Republicans are against ethnic food. Honestly. [Or, maybe they are just against talking about ethnic food? Wait a minute…wait a minute… What if it is a Republican of German descent? Then, is it OK to talk about German food? So confusing!] “Planned Parenthood?” Run for the door.

Diversity—I hate it. I sing alto, and I have been suspicious of sopranos since high school. I noticed then that sopranos all have narrow pointy faces and just look unsavory. I feel that they are untrustworthy—so, it must be true! Who needs facts when you have opinions and feelings? The soprano that I hated most was a tall blond cheerleader. You guessed it. I was a petite, brunette, non-cheerleader. My BF was a star football player and… I have a lot of feelings and opinions about tall blonds. Always have had. I’ve hated diversity ever since.

But, what I really, really loathe is the government in my health care. I hate even having my doctor in my health care! Sheesh! Get the government of out my life! Get out of abortion. Get out of birth control. Stop telling my insurance company what to pay for and let my doctor determine my medical care! Do you honestly think I want Randy Bed-Hopper or Newt Gingrich in charge of birth control for my 23 year old? That’s not even funny. I’m throwing up a little in my mouth.

I am also a really, really old-fashioned girl with very traditional values. Maybe I belong to the regressive party instead of the progressive party? Back in the misty past of my idyllic childhood, people minded their own business. Why, the most revered teacher in my tiny little rural school district was lesbian and everyone pretended not to know! Churches were in the business of religion and not homophobia, Islamaphobia, racial hatred, or national politics. My mother was a wonderful role model of an independent career woman—a school teacher and librarian. My father was a member of the International Union of Operating Engineers who was so scared by the Great Depression that he wanted all 3 of his girls to go to college, have careers, and have jobs with pensions, social security accounts, and health care benefits--and work until they retired or died. Because, life is not secure, you know. Aren’t we rediscovering this?

I want to move backward to a point in time where a man with an 8th grade education could make a great living building the interstate system for our country and rednecks like him were feminists who could send 3 girls to college! How can I be a progressive when I want to go backwards!?!

What about personal empowerment and responsibility of the individual? I am a huge believer in this! I believe it is my personal responsibility to smack down some really rich and uppity politicians and I feel empowered to do so. This is provoking a huge identity issue for me because this is a Conservative Republican position and it is Republican Corporatist politicians I want to smack down! Does this old-fashioned view of life make me a Republican? Or, does smacking down Republicans make me a progressive?

Maybe I am Bi-Political! This is not to be confused with bipartisan. I am completely and totally opposed to the corporate agenda for Wisconsin and the USA. But, I could see myself using a few of their tactics. I really, really could!

Your friend,



  1. I don't think you are Bi-political at all. I would call it more Bi-polar to be honest. There are medications available for you and if you qualify for BadgerCare you can buy them at substantial savings.

  2. I have never in my life witnessed such a violent slaughtering of irony. Wow.

  3. I think you're a douche.

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