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Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Dear Worriers

Dear Worriers:

I love you passionately. I really, really do. Because I am a worrier, too. In fact, anxiety is my middle name.

Who and what we are distressed about reveals a lot about us--sometimes more than most people want to know, frankly. Some people have heartache about war, starvation, death from lack of basic health care in the country with the largest military in the world, natural catastrophes, the educational system, mice in the basement, etc.

For example, some of my dear friends are so tormented they can’t sleep at night! Yes, they pine, they talk incessantly, they wring their hands…they are worried crazy about the poor, the disabled, the unemployed, etc. etc. etc.!

They are sick with apprehension that some undeserving poor person will get dental care! OMG! What if someone came to the dentist in a nice car (borrowed from a friend or left over from better days) and got free dental care? What if…I can hardly type the words…what if a poor person got a crown instead of just having a tooth extracted? Why…why…we could keep a soldier in Afghanistan for at least…hmmm…we could feed a soldier lunch in Afghanistan for what that costs! They see some real opportunities for attacking the deficit here and paying off some of that $1-3 Trillion we owe on Iraq and Afghanistan.

Some of my dear friends are so disquieted that they cannot sleep at night for fear that there are people out there that are getting rich on SSDI (Disability) who aren’t really sick! JMJ, what if there is someone--even one person--out there who isn’t as sick as “those who have supernatural powers and are able to see into the medical files of people they pass on the street and know for a fact that most people receiving Disability don’t deserve it AND are getting rich on it!" Yes, my good friends are tortured that there are people right now riding in private jets paid for with their SSDI checks, eating filet mignon, drinking Champaign, being waited on hand and foot on their way to France because they are too d!@#$# lazy to work. This is an outrage! Decent hardworking people cannot sleep at night, they are so worried! The only people deserving of this life are people who inherited money and CEO's of major companies. Everyone knows that!

[This is very confusing to me. A dear relative of mine has decided to die on the job, because he would not be able to pay his bills on Disability—it pays only a percent of income. How are all the other people getting rich on it and he is planning on dying without it?]

And, unemployment? Holy Holstein! Hard-working employed people are in agony about this one, let me tell you. Sweating bullets and tears in their eyes. Rewarding people for not having a job? What a load of Holstein hockey pucks. People earning 6 figures are plagued with fear that some poor slob who lost h/er job is getting a fraction of h/er previously low income to support h/er children (why didn’t she foresee this and get her tubes tied for G--’s sake?) while looking for another job! After all, unemployment is so rewarding and so self-enhancing that everyone wants to continue once they’ve tried it. It’s addicting—like heroin. Try unemployement—you’ll love it! Wait, I meant to say, "Try unemployment benefits!" Can't get them without losing a job, though, now can you?

Some of my friends are so homophobic that it is all they talk about—oh wait, that is another letter and I can’t wait. Smiling as I type this.

Hope I didn’t hurt your feelings--you old skin-flints!

Your friend,


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