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Saturday, December 10, 2011

Dear Republican Christian Gentlemen

Dear Republican Gentlemen--Who Cherish Family Values Put Women on Pedestals & Are Role Models for America’s Young Children. Whew!

[To Clarify: I don’t mean are attracted to young children, but are ROLE MODELS for young children.]

Where in the blue blazing heck are you? I have searched high and low. I want to love you--I really, really do. So do a lot of women--Mrs. Cain and a couple of former Mrs.Gingriches, for example. But, we can’t find you! Soon, Republican women are going to be going on Liberal dating sites “...looking for dirty hippy union thug who is loyal and faithful.”

I keep hearing about you: Republican friends tell me there are these “gentlemen and scholars” who treat women with the utmost respect. I hear tales of true gentlemen who earn the bacon, read Bible stories to their children, take their wives out on date night, go with their families to church, never drink or curse (or commit adultry--over & over--for years on end out of excessive patriotism or generosity all the while “finding themselves” and...oh, for God’s sake), follow the “happy wife, happy life” philosophy of marriage, and are not in any closet! Honestly. These are all right wing Republican men who served in the military and in spite of having seen shore leave in every cesspool on 4 continents, were virgins when they got married. Really. I heard it so it must be true.

These Christian Republican stalwarts distinguish themselves from the dirty stinky hippie socialists scum who don’t wear underwear or deodorant or have jobs and are to be seen sleeping on the Capitol floor, protesting with union thugs, and collecting RECALL WALKER signatures on every street corner Wearing underwear? Wearing deodorant? And, otherwise being gentlemanly in manly sorts of ways while carrying concealed weapons...under their cummerbunds? Oh, and holding full-time well-paying jobs. Only Democrats ever get laid off or fired and have to collect unemployment. I have never understand how that works.

Anyway, I have heard about these gentlemen but I have not been seeing them around Janesville.

So, I went looking for the upstanding Republican Christian Gentlemen who are the great defenders of the Constitution, of Marriage, and of our Christian nation against all infidels--by standing on a street corner collecting recall Walker signatures as is my constitutional right.

I expected them to stop and bring me coffee and hot cocoa! Hot soup! Fish sandwiches! Hand warmers! I expected some to stop and ask solicitously, “Anything I can get you, ma’am. You look mighty cold!”

You should see and hear what I got!

So, here is what I learned. Either every Republican man in Janesville drives a white or black pickup truck and has a potty mouth or there are only two Republican men in Janesville--and they are not gentlemen! Holy kitty cats! Their language peeled the paint off one of my Recall Walker signs! The street light turned red in embarrassment.

I am an older, clean, deodorized, conventionally dressed, educated, well-spoken, polite, smiling, generous, hard working, tax paying, upstanding community member, mother, and faithful wife. I am retired. I don’t want or need a job. Oh, and I was standing with a 72 year old man--also retired who is too busy volunteering for his church to work even if he needed or wanted another job.

Tell that to Black & White Pickup Driving Republican “Gentlemen!”

What happened to loving the constitution & democracy! What happened to “What Would Jesus Do?” and keeping America a Christian nation? What happened to putting women on a pedestal? What happened to being role-models for our children? No wonder we are having a problem with bullying in schools.

In fact, I have a new theory. Republican “Gentlemen” are the single cause of bullying in schools! Hmmmm? In fact, after a day or two of standing on street corners, I suspect Republican Gentlemen are the cause of hunger in the third world, divorce everywhere (certainly in red states!) and acne in teenages. Sirs, get a grip and I don’t mean on your S&W!

And, why do Black & White Pickup Guys shout: “Why don’t you slackers get jobs?” Really? Is that the best you’ve got? You are reduced to shouting at elderly people on street corners on Sundays--to get jobs--and making vulgar hand (and arm--don’t want to forget the arm) gestures?

Why weren’t you working, BTW, instead of driving up and down the roads in big pickup trucks single-handedly destroying the environment? Why weren’t you helping your kids do homework, helping you dad put up storm gutters, or cleaning up the lawn for your ex-wife. Where was your wife? Don’t think I didn’t see her ducking under the dash.

Incidentally, are you hiring, Big Job Creator? How much are you paying? How many openings do you have? Are you aware of the unemployment rate in Rock County? Do you have some loaves & fishes to hand out?

Ladies & Gentle of the right, please don’t try to take the high road with me. Don’t talk to me about family values--I’ll give you Newt Gingrich and raise you a Cain. Don’t talk to me about hippies in the Capitol. I’ll give you a hippie in the Capitol and raise you 2 thugs in pick-up trucks shouting at senior citizens and women.

Was there ever a Right Wing Christian Gentleman? There was one in 1921--or so I heard. But, he ran away with a high school cheerleader and left his wife and kids.

I hate to be the one to tell you, but your mother did not love you. If she had, she would have taught you how to behave like a gentleman. Your behavior is ugly. Your wife and children are embarrassed. You don’t know the meaning of “agape.” You are a jealous lover of the constitution--you only love it when it applies to you. You haven’t been to church in 10 years--or, maybe you should get your hearing checked. My best advice to my daughter: “Marry a dirty hippie liberal atheist if you want to find compassion--and, a gentleman--in life.”

Hope I didn’t hurt your feelings! Take an anger management class. Meditate. It hasn't helped me, but...might help you!

Your friend,



  1. Vivs, dearheart, you are as insightful, funny, cogent and lovingly, wisely sarcastic as eveh! <3

  2. Folks who talk to themselves often think they are funny, vivacious and, even, intelligent.

    You are some lonely babe, Vivian.