Dear Trolls

Dear Trolls,

I love you; I really, really do. I am a very non-judgmental, maternal, unconditionally loving person—but, you are easy to love anyway!

See, I already know you. You are the girl in first grade who said, “Na, na, nuh boo boo!” all the stinkin’ time. You are the boy whose entire conversation consisted of, “Yeah, so what!?!” You are the “wanna-be cool” kid who never made it. You are the child whose parents didn’t teach you good manners and excellent interpersonal skill. You are the child who has never been outside your “bubble” and fears or hates everything and everyone new. You are the 9th grader who never learned the difference between “subjective” and “objective”—or how to document your sources in your English papers.

Because, really, if you could make your arguments in plain English and back them up with facts, wouldn’t you?

D@#$! I’ve made myself sad. OK, enough of that!

To continue: I am very interested in you—in that “I cannot stop staring at the scene of an accident” kind of way. Hope I didn’t hurt your feelings!

My innocent friends have been asking a lot of questions about Trolls. “What is a Republican Conservative Troll?” is an example. Given that I love research, I have volunteered to answer that question and more.

This is what I found in the dictionary: “A Republican Conservative Troll is a mythical, cave-dwelling being depicted in folklore as either a giant or a dwarf, typically having a very ugly appearance.” “Republican Conservative Troll” comes from an Old Norse phrase for a “…mythological monster with a very low IQ who is incapable of reason and rationality.”

These “Ugly cave-dwelling monsters” post inflammatory comments on others' internet sites for the purposes of disrupting conversations, provoking an emotional reaction, and misleading or misinforming.

When I researched, “Democratic, democratic, liberal, and progressive Trolls,” I discovered that the Male DDLP Troll is defined as, “A humble hero who fights evil, destroys enemies, gains democratic kingdoms, and marries the princess.” What a dude!!!

I searched the dictionary for the definition of “Female DDLP Troll” and discovered this: “The female DDLP Troll may be a beautiful princess, a powerful witch, or an ordinary female struggling against overwhelming odds to save the world, destroy the enemies of the people, gain kingdoms for democracy, and stay single for the rest of her life.” I made the last part up :>) (Ah…I can hear the RCT’s mumbling, “Anti-family, Grrrrrr, Arrrrrrrr.” This means they don’t like it, but have nothing in their lexicon but stereotypes and growls.)

The tactics of Democratic Liberal and Progressive Trolls are pretty boring: logic, reason, fact, research, knowledge, literacy, and compassion for humankind.

Actually, the tactics of Republican Conservative Trolls are even less interesting: name-calling, stereotyping, vulgarity, violent rhetoric, and images of guns. I don’t know why these tactics are used as mature adults are not really bothered by this but these tactics can be very motivating to the people they are meant to irritate or discourage.

I find it very confusing that many RCT’s claim to be Christian and that God or Jesus Christ is one of their most admired Beings. It’s right there on Facebook!

I applied the “What Would Jesus Do?” test to trolling and…good gravy!!! I cannot picture Jesus calling political opponents really ugly names, using vulgar language, stereotyping, engaging in bearing false witness, and promoting gun violence. Call me crazy—you wouldn’t be the first!—but, I just cannot understand how people who call themselves Christian can engage in this behavior!

I have never been called names, insulted, stereotyped, or threatened by a single Buddhist. What’s that about?

My dear Trolls, I wish you well. I wish you love, peace, prosperity, good health—all things good. I wish nothing but the very best for you, our beautiful state and our great country.

Your friend,

Vivian