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Friday, February 24, 2012

Dear Women Haters

Dear Republican Women Haters:

I am having such a hard time writing this love letter. Why, my heart is so overwhelmed by love that all I can do is cry and spit and splutter. I think I could write a book easier than I can write this letter.

But, I am verklempt! Just overcome by emotion. I love the unconsciously ignorant as well as the maliciously ignorant, and the intentionally ignorant and the simply malicious. And, their innocent followers!

I have a special love for followers of the mean, stupid, and crazy. It’s an odd mixture of amazement, pity, awe, wonder, pity, bewilderment… pity.

You have guessed it by now. Yes, it is time to discuss “female trouble.”

Men cannot imagine how women feel about the Woman Hater’s excessive, one might even say obsessive, interest in our private parts! You seem to care so much—and know so very little—about women’s reproductive health!

And, you have such peculiar ways of showing how much you care! I would think any way of expressing your concern at all, except legislation, would work—flowers, poetry, cash… But, panels made up of all men? Men who are not obstetricians or gynecologists or poets or philosophers, or great scientists, or neonatologists. Hmmm. Not working for me!

It’s not me—it’s you. It's over between us. Get. Out. Of. My. Life. Hope I didn’t hurt your feelings!

I might be impressed by your devoted interest in my and your mother’s nether regions—if I didn’t talk to so many men who don’t know how old their children are. Well, and if the “dead-beat dad” rate wasn’t so high. And… there is the child abuse issue. And…how many men have ever been to an Ob/Gyn appointment with their…girl friend? Or, their mother? Thought I was going to say “wife” didn’t you!?! Gotcha!

Do you even know the definitions to these terms: amenorrhea, anovulation,dysmenorrheal,dyspareunia, leucorrhea,menorrhagia, metrorrhagia,metrorrhagia, oligomenorrhea, or oligo-ovulation?

Your mother, daughter, and female partner have probably experienced one—or, if older—all of these conditions. And, she needs health care, not political care. In fact, your mother called me the other day and…

If she doesn’t have insurance, she needs Planned Parenthood or another form of free clinic. Because no one except the 1% can afford health care these days.

BTW, none of these conditions have anything to do with contraception, birth control, abortion or you.

Every time we enter the deep dark recesses of the woman-hating male psyche and how they feel about their mothers and religion and reproduction and bodily processes and sex and women’s reproductive organs, and bodily fluids and…we just get into a Goddess-awful mess. So, I am going to simplify things!

Let’s make it all much simpler my entering the, shall we say, at least partially more visible arena of men’s reproductive organs and straighten this whole mess out!

I love equality and I have the solution of the entire mess! Let’s just make everything equal!

No more dealing with those nasty body parts and yucky bodily processes and other disgusting things like reproduction.

(And, oh my God, if you think that watching a video of a baby being born is disgusting, you should have to watch a video of conception! Now, that would stop teenagers from even thinking about sex until they’re 40!)

Yes, let’s stop reproductive health care coverage for men and be done with it all for everyone!

No more vasectomies! Because, I am a Pagan woman doctor and I am religiously opposed to vasectomies. I won’t perform them and I shouldn’t have to pay for others to have them through my insurance premiums. Hell, no!

No more screenings for prostate cancer for men. That’s disgusting and I don’t believe in it—that kind of behavior can lead to homosexuality and it is against MY religion. The prostate is a male reproductive organ and should not be covered by insurance I pay for!

No more treatment for urinary tract infections in men—we all know where the urinary tract is in men—or maybe we don’t because we don’t believe in sex education—and, I am a Goddess worshipping female doctor who does not believe that particular piece of the anatomy in men should be touched for any reason except pleasure—or covered by health care insurance.

Since I believe that sexual intercourse is only for the purpose of pleasure and not for procreation, I refuse to have MY money spent on male infertility screenings or treatments. That violates MY religious freedoms. I believe that the Goddess gives you the exact number of children She wants you to have. If you have slow swimmers, then just swallow the pill like a man--so to speak.

Treatment for “jock itch” covered by health insurance? Now, you’re just messin’ with me. Suck it up, buttercup. Bad metaphor, but you get the point.

Honestly, it is against MY religion for men to be sissies and go to the doctor for every little whine. If your not bleeding, vomiting, or on fire, chill!

No more cystoscopes—and, you will thank me for that!

If your boys get caught in a wringer—ouchie. But, hey man, that’s a reproductive organ and we don’t cover reproductive care for men or women any more. That could lead to wild and crazy sex. I am pretty sure Rick Santorum agrees.

And, if your Lorena runs amok, so sorry but insurance doesn’t cover reproductive care any more. How many times do I have to repeat that? I am pretty sure that not having…not having…reattachment surgery will save money in the long run anyway because you won’t hmmm…need contraception or have the high cost of rearing children to worry about. Just put a couple of aspirin...between your knees and call me in the morning.

What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. Literally.

It is my religious belief that men should just overcome all life’s pain by will-power. Like women do. We have so much to teach. Take a Lamaze class like real women do and just breathe your way through life’s difficulties.

Here’s the deal. Women are the 51%. We brought male politicians into the world and we can take them out—in the voting booth.

Reproductive care is health care. It is far more than the birth control pill. It is science. It is complicated. Physicians actually go to school to learn that s@#$. They don’t get to make it up as they go—as politicians do.

Reproductive health care is personal, private, and easily misunderstood. I see no evidence that politicians, the Church, insurance companies, nor employers know anything about it.

The public is being lied to by Republican conservative right-wing politicians. One example: Prenatal testing is about far more than planning for an abortion. Think about it! Think about all of the changes in care for babies of mothers who are Rh factor negative with Rh factor positive fathers in our own life time.

Health care is between an individual and a doctor. It is not the business of politicians. It is not the business of insurance companies. It is not the business of employers. It is not the business of any church—certainly not one that a patient doesn’t even belong to.

We are not going back 100 years.

Everyone is welcome to practice h/er own religion—but, do not attempt to legislate your religion.

If your religious group is in the health care and insurance business, it might find itself having to follow the rules of the business world—and, not just the religious world.

If you are a health care provider and you cannot make a commitment to provide services to your patients according to their beliefs and practices, then I don’t think you need to be providing services to the general public. You need to be providing services to your religious group only.

Many, if not most, towns in our country do not have more than one hospital. Some small towns have only one clinic. Many have only one specialist in any given field. I am sure there are towns with only one doctor at all.

The idea that there is any “free market” in health care is a joke. We all know that we are lucky if we have any insurance at all and if we do, our employer probably chose it for us. We don't have a choice about whether we have Catholic providers or not.

The general public deserves to receive the latest and best scientific based medical care—not medical care based on the private religious beliefs of any practitioner.

Politicians, churches, insurance companies, and employers—get out of our bedrooms and the examining room and allow us access to the latest and best medical care. Health care is about far more than sex.

But, although this was fun to write, I am not kidding myself. I don’t really think this latest "attack on women" has anything to do with religion, contraception, sex, woman hating, etc. for the big money people and corporations at the top.

It always has to do with money. There is no other factor. The money people just want to keep the “base” (AKA "the little people")fired up about something. Really, do the Koch brothers and Walker’s and Ryan’s donors care about my nether regions? Don’t think so.

It might not hurt to save insurance companies some money by cheating women out of reproductive health care—in the short term. Ten children later? Not so clear.

But, it always helps to rile up the little people, rile up the right-wing, rile up the pro-life single issue voters, and it always gives the Republicans a boost!

Single issue voters--you are the best thing that ever happened to Republicans! And, I love you! I really, really do!

Good grief, this could just morph into another letter—or a book!

Your friend,



  1. Thank you, this was perfect. It really brought a smile to my face

  2. This is so awesome, thank you for writing it. I feel exactly the same way, and I am sharing it now on Facebook.

  3. Vivian - you are a goddess of language and wit and intelligence. Keep it up - ooh! maybe not what I should be saying here.