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Sunday, January 1, 2012

Dear God's Fan Club

Dear God’s Fan Club:

January 1 seems a wonderful day to write a letter of unity! Not!

I have finally found, on Facebook no less, a sentiment I previously couldn’t find just the right words for: “I don’t have anything against God. It’s his fan club I can’t stand.”

Well, of course, I am committed to unconditional love for the entire world, but some people are very challenging. Hope I did not hurt your feelings! Why should it be so hard to love God’s fan club! Holy Kitty Cats!

So, of course, now I just have to love this group of people ! I really, really do! I especially love those members of Gods Fan Club who are Republican followers of Governor Walker and Reince Priebus and who shout obscenities at RECALL volunteers on street corners.

I love you most of all—I am pretty sure you have had a sad, sad, shortage of unconditional love in your lives, so I must love you. It is a challenge I cannot avoid. And, for goodness sake, didn't your parents teach you a d@#$ thing?

I suspect that certain Fan Club Members, sometimes referred to as Christians, have done more to harm Christianity that all 3 atheists in Wisconsin ever could! Hope I haven’t hurt your feelings! Think about your personal witness, people! Think!

Yep, I love all flavors of Christians—especially the cursing, shouting, “F-bomb” throwing, finger-gesturing type. Oh, and the arm gesturing type. Do NOT want to forget the arm gestures. Very few people do this kind of thing—thank the Wood Nymphs! But, WOW! Is this what you mean by being “warriors” for Christ? I sincerely hope not!

I still love you, but, holy kitty cats…!!! Do you go to church after go by a group of mostly senior citizens and shouting obscenities? Do you brag about how cool you are?

Can you really picture your leader doing this? Oh, your leader is Jesus if you are a Christian, not Gov Walker or Reince Priebus. Pretty sure you know that, but just making sure.

And, there is a special place in my heart for paranoid fan club members. After all, Christians are in a culturally perilous position in this country—they only constitute 78% of the population! In some surveys, as many as 89% of Americans describe themselves as “highly religious.”

I mean, honestly, what do you call someone who has 78% of the pie, but wants it all? Right! Think about it… That 22% does not pose a deadly threat. Why, Americans would rather elect a child abuser than an atheist! Breathe… You do not have to kill their Mosque first before they kill your church. Remember…democracy…freedom of religion…Constitution…!

Ewwwww…ahhh…oh… Actually, that Constitution thingy can bite you in the a@#. Forget I said that. Before long, everyone will want protection by it.

Hmmm... This is a delicate subject. I have been meaning to talk to you about your complete lack of a sense of reciprocal values.

See, if YOU have a right to a Tea Bag (Party or Bag--never can remember :>) rally with really ugly signs, then your political opponents have the right to public political expression, also. I believe most Tea Bag/Party people are Fans of God? I believe they would be outraged if I drove by and shouted rude messages and made rude gestures?

I don't want to hurt your feelings, but you have the moral development of an earth worm if you cannot understand that it works both ways! Hope I didn't hurt your feelings! Bless your hearts! Honestly, you need an instruction book, don't you?

I understand that many Fan Club Members believe the USA has a state religion and want the US to be (or believe that it already is!) a theocracy—as in “The United States is a Christian Nation!” Ah… well…don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings here. Trying to pose this delicately…Hmmm...Ever think about reading? READING history? READING the Constitution?

And, which branch of Christianity did you want to be the National Religion? Catholicism? Baptist? Southern Baptist? Which Baptist? Lutheran? Unitarian? I vote for Unitarian! I don’t want to gossip, but I have heard some of you say that the others aren’t Christian, so…? Which one? I love you all, but… not all you Fan Club members are crazy about each other.

Just remember, when you go by and give me the finger, or the arm, or shout rude messages—I can see your license plates and read your bumper stickers. Business owners, you are not doing yourselves any favors to curse and shout. You can disagree politely—and gain everyone’s respect. But, I CAN SEEEEEE YOU! And, some of the things you do are illegal. Illegal.

I love you! I really, really do. Have you thought of anger management classes? Etiquette classes? Business management classes? Going to church MORE frequently? Listening? I don’t want to be presumptuous, but have you read the Bible?

I am presuming that most of you belong to the Party of Family Values—are your children in the car with you!?! Other people's children?

Is shouting, cursing, and using the "F word" a new family value? Could this possibly explain all the poorly behaved children in school these days?

Is this the explanation of bullying in school? After all, they say that school bullies have parents who are bullies? Just sayin'

Hope I didn’t hurt your feelings!

Your friend,