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Monday, March 5, 2012

PS I Love you. YOU. YOU. YOU

P.S. I love you. You. You. You.

Dear Republican Women Haters:

I just love all of you—especially politicians, radio hosts, clerics, and opinionated drunks at bars. And, drunk politicians, radio host addicts, drunk clerics, and…all of you. Hope I didn’t leave anyone out!

Can you believe that I wrote most of this letter before Rush’s latest little TT? And, all of you just had to keep harping on about vaginas, and fallopian tubes, and uteruses, and seeds, and implantations…

Well, anyway…I have already said it, but I will say it again—get out of our vajayjays!

My phone has been buzzing my pants off! Metaphorically speaking…

Wow! I have to write a postscript because your mothers, sisters, daughters, girlfriends, cousins, aunts, grandmothers, bosses, co-workers, wives, ex-wives, boyfriends…well, you get the picture…

The 51% and a few men all called me and they have quite a few things to add to my previous letter. Oh, my yes. Hope it won’t hurt your feelings!

Holy kitty cats—they love you almost as much as I do! They suggested “Re-education Camps.” Hope that does not mean what it used to mean.

But, I believe in the power of change through love. So, I am offering you redemption through the power of love--at the polls, in the work-place, in the bed room, at the dinner table, at family reunions...everywhere you go!

Here are some of their messages.

Quite a few wives called and said, “NO Viagra prescriptions unless requested by the wife!” Period.

A lot of women and a few men called and screamed into the phone, “If a man has an erection lasting more than 4 hours, for G-d’s sake, take his partner to the ER! Who cares about that selfish bastard!?!”

Both God and Goddess called and said that there is really no such thing as “erectile dysfunction. They concur that they made you just the way they want you to be! This isn’t a “medical problem!” It’s life! Get over and get on with it. It isn’t even terminal.”

Both suggested that you just get hobbies. Goddess suggested gourmet cooking, lawn care, housewifery, and child care. God said to tell you to get a second job, “Because you are going to need it!”

Quite a few women called and said they got an STD from you and you will be hearing from the County Health Department and their attorney. They no longer have REPRODUCTIVE HEATLH CARE and will be suing you. You also have to have testing and report all your partners. Men and women.

Anyway, many women and quite a few men called and said that you are a bunch of @#$%#, @#$$#@, %$#@@, ^%$@#$, and a few foreign words I cannot spell. What is that about?

Now, for the serious part.

I do NOT want to scare you. Do NOT want to hurt your feelings. I love you. I really, really do. I am the only one left. Women haters, you are digging yourselves into a cold and lonely place.

I know how ignorant you are—remember, I don’t mean that in any pejorative way.

Thinking about your war on contraception—which is REPRODUCTIVE HEALTH CARE...

Haven’t you boys heard of paternity testing!?! Does “DNA” ring a bell? Cheek swabs? Watch TV much? Does someone with papers standing at your door ring a bell?

We know how you just love gardening and spreading your seed. We know how you cherish your seed and do not want anything to come between that and the blossoming of your fruit. But, when your next wife leaves, she may leave all that fruit with YOU! You will be stuck with the bill, in any event.

Do you see any connection between that and discretionary spending or your take home pay?

Some of you are getting papers served this week and I don’t mean D-I-V-O-R-C-E! Yes, there actually is someone on your steps ringing a bell. Congratulations! Is it a boy or a girl?

About that rising birth rate associated with seed spreading and fertilizing, restriction on insurance coverage for birth control and women’s REPRODUCTIVE HEALTH CARE (as well as the ever increasing assaults on abortion—which is REPRODUCTIVE HEALTH CARE)…

YOUR mother called and said to ask you, “What the hell are you thinking?” She is too old to help any more.

You do know who impregnates women don’t you? The tooth fairy? Not likely!

YOU do! Conservative Republican men—yes, I know that is a redundancy but I am not speaking to a highly intellectual audience here.

Sexual intercourse is the leading cause of pregnancy! Who knew!?! Yet, you are the very ones opposed to sex education.

And, there are only two ways of preventing it. Abstinance and birth control. How’s abstinence working for YOU?

And…wait for it…if you don’t abstain, guess what kind of health care pregnant women need? REPRODUCTIVE HEALTH CARE! Yes! What a bummer. Your wives and GF’s need REPRODUCTIVE HEALTH CARE!

And, guess who pays for the care and education of children? YOU do. If you want your wives to be SAHM, that means, YOU alone pay. And, your wives won’t have jobs when you leave them for the next one. Then, the judge observes that you had a contract for a conservative marriage and orders you to pay maintenance AND child support.

And…guess which is less expensive to couples and society—REPRODUCTIVE HEALTH CARE including birth control and abortion or unplanned children?

Newsflash: If it involves a doctor, an exam, or a prescription, it is HEALTHCARE! And, insurance ought to cover it—in a sane and normal world that isn’t ruled by sex-crazed theocrats.

So, gentlemen of the right—your doorbells are ringing! Papers are being served!

The 51% loves you! And, the 54% just simply adore you!

See you at the polls. I mean that in a really loving way.

Your friend,


PPS Cannot wait for November!

1 comment:

  1. I love this woman. I think she is the funniest person I have ever read. Every man ought to have to read these posts before getting married. What a genius with words!