Dear Tea Party

Dear Tea Party,

Bless your hearts. I love you. I really, really do. If your children are too embarrassed to have lunch with you, call me. I do charity luncheons all the time.

I wanted to learn more about you, so I did an internet search for images for “tea party.” The pix were gorgeous. They made my mouth water. The place settings were so creative. The colors were delightful—just stunning.

Oops. I had forgotten to add the preface “the.” “The Tea Party.” Gorgeous? Stunning? Creative? Mouth watering? Delightful? Not so much.

But, there was one image that posed a very profound question that I happen to know the answer to: “What would our Founding Fathers do?”

I actually have a lot in common with ultra-conservative far right-wing nuts! I happen to know for a fact what the Founding Mothers and Fathers would do; I know exactly what every word and phrase of the constitution means for today’s world and forever more; and God frequently speaks to me in no uncertain terms. I consider myself so lucky—just like all those ultra-conservatives and televangelists. I love living in a black and white world. No pun intended—and no shades of gray.

For example, God told me that Sarah Palin is an idiot and white trash, Michele Bachman is mentally ill, Rick Perry is the anti-Christ… And, I know for a fact that corporations are not people according to the constitution. God has had a lot to say to me about the Supreme Court justices but He was very angry and, well, that’s another post.

So, I found The Tea Party question, “What would our Founding Fathers do?” very intriguing, because I just happen to know exactly what they would do!

First, they would consult the Founding Mothers. Duh.

Then, they would buy you each your very own dictionary! People, words have meanings. That. Is. How. Communication. Works. You cannot just make shit up. Thomas Jefferson would blow a gasket! The man loved learning. He founded a university, for God’s sake. So, quit making fools of yourselves and look “socialist” up in the dictionary. I love you, but you’re getting on my nerves with this.

Next, our Founding Mothers and Fathers would give you each your own etiquette book! That is very sweet—but, why do you need a book? Did you have parents? Were you reared in a cave? Raised by wolves? A genetic experiment? Has no one ever said to you, “Do not be ugly!” Haven’t you read the Old Testament? That is the First Commandment: “Thou shall not act ugly, especially in public where everyone is watching and you will disgrace your entire family.”

Oh, our Founders have a lot to talk with The Tea Party about. Hmmm… How about some history lessons next? I think our Founders might say to you “We risked our fortunes and our lives for this great country. For the love of buttermilk, is it too much to ask that candidates for president learn a little of our history? Shame on you!” Yep, I think that is exactly what they would say.

Of course our Founders would do even more. They would invite you Tea Party people to tea and give you helpful and nurturing advice. Our Founders would give lessons on your deportment, your countenance, your elocution, and there is one additional and terribly important thing that the Founders would most certainly do.

They would tell you to ditch the accoutrements, for Pete’s sake, you look addlepated!

Hope I didn’t hurt your feelings.

Your friend,

Vivian