Dear Michele Bachmann

Dear Michelle,

I love you. I really, really do! I am able to love you, even though you are pert near unlovable by anyone except your mother, because I am NOT a follower of Ayn Rand.

I am a humanist--a lover of human kind, one who endeavors to practice unconditional love and tolerance. I also read the Bible. You should try it--especially the New Testament! See what Jesus says about judging, feeding the poor, healing the sick, caring for widows and orphans. More Christian politicians should read the Bible. They really, really should.

Back to you. I have been concerned about your mental health for a long time. Now that you are running for president, I am more concerned about my mental health--and that of this country which I love so much.

You are bat-shit crazy, sweetheart.

And, I am not only wondering how you got out of law school. (With a degree? For real? Mail order? I have not done my research.) But, now I am wondering how you got out of high school.

Hope I didn't hurt your feelings.

I just read The Marriage Vow that you are asking presidential candidates to sign. I have seen your husband and honey, I would not sign that paper for anything! Then, again, I have heard you talk, and I would not sign that vow, were I him. Shewwweeee. You two deserve each other!

Basically, these vows are a pile of doo-doo so, being the altruistic humanitarian that I am, I rewrote them for you. For free. Here they are!

THE SANITY PRESIDENTIAL VOW

1. I vow that I will not run for president of the United States of America if I am bat-shit crazy.

2. I vow that I will not run for president of the United States of America if I am dumber than a box of rocks.

3. I vow that I will not run for president of the USA of America if my moral development is lower than that of a serial killer.

4. I vow that I will not run for president of the USA if I am generally a stinker.

5. I will not run for president if I have left more than one chronically ill wife for a mistress; have been married more than 2 times; am a pedophile; troll for men, women, children, or adolescents on Craig's list or...[I cannot think of everything! Help me out here by making suggestions in the comment box!]

6. I will not use the term "Judeo-Christian" to pander to Jews.

[Where were all the "Judeo-Christians" when Jews couldn't join the country club? Now, ultra conservatives want Jews to join forces politically? Ha! I don't think so!]

7. I vow to support enduring fidelity between all committed partners especially between politicians and their constituents.

8. I, too, regret the widespread hypocrisy on the part of Republicans & wish they could be more like Democrats and then we could have real discussions. Is that what is being referred to?

9. I regret that Republican policies have forced more and more young people into the vicious cycle of poverty which deprives them of a vision for their future resulting in an increasing liklihood of early pregnancy & school dropout. These are virtually guarantees of continuing poverty.

10. I regret adultery, especially that committed by politicians who cheat on the American public with thieving Corporations and their pimps--the lobbyists.

11. I regret the strong correlation between ultra-conservatism (religious and political) and sexual dysfuncion especially adultery. Buck up and walk the walk! Or not--I don't really care. But, if you are going to be moral degenerates, then shut up about your moral superiority.

12. I regret all forms of abuse: of self (alcohol, drug, etc.) of others, of power, of constituents, etc. and vow to stop lying, cheating, and stealing from the American people...right now!

13. IF my husband happens to be a mental health fraud who is stealing from insurance companies, Medicare, and MA as well as individuals by offering treatments that are scientifically unsubstantiated, I regret that.

Because, as we all know, ALL scientific evidence indicates that homosexuality is genetic, hormonal, and neurologically structural and there is no evidence linking homosexuality to environment.

[I join all Americans in asking "WHY OH WHY" do Republicans think about sex ALL the blessed live long day! They must read the literature about homophobia. MUST READ! The 80% of America that is not a Right Wing Nut (RWN) is bored to tears.]

14. I vow not to be a hypocritical slime sucking mother of all bottom feeders by accepting agricultural subsidies while decrying wasteful spending.

Michele Bachmann, give back everything that you have taken from the government and I will vote for you and work for your campaign!?! No? Didn't think so.

Your friend,

Vivian