Dear Kristi

Dear Kristi,

I love you, Kristi! I really, really do!

I love people without last names—such as Madonna, Prince, Beyonce, Canibus… Are you a musician? A rapper!?! Are you famous? I am so, so sorry, but I’ve never heard of you. Hope I didn’t hurt your feelings!

Wait a minute…wait a minute! You said you were a teacher in your pro-Governor Walker anti-recall advertisement which is the same thing as an anti-union anti-education anti-teacher advertisement!

You have me confused! Are you a teacher trapped inside a teacher-hating body? Or a teacher-hater trapped inside a teacher body. Are you a self-hating teacher? Or just a rapper? Now, I've confused myself!

Now, I may love musicians without last names, but sweetheart, I do not take political advice—or any advice, for that matter—from anyone with no last name, no address, no credibility, no credentials, and no initials.

We are now talking dollars and sense; and,you are not making any.

Dang. Hope I didn’t hurt your feelings again!

I do love teachers—and musicians. Especially rappers. Are you sure you’re not a rapper? Your grammar… shewweeeee! Send me your addy and I’ll send you a grammar book.

See, Kristi, my high school English teacher told me that I would get an “F” if I turned in a paper that did not have a thesis statement backed up by facts (I hate those pesky little things—and so do you!) that were supported by evidence.

I was also forbidden to use run-on sentences, personal opinion, or expressions such as “you know.” You know what I mean?

I graded your advertisement, Kristi, and you got an “F.” I hope you teach math? I am praying to the Almighty you don’t teach English or logic.

But, have no fear, I am going to help you! For free—out of the kindness of my heart because I am a liberal. That means “open and generous.” JIC you’re wondering. And, JIC you don’t have a dictionary as well as not having a grammar book.

OK. Here’s an example of a thesis statement: “The new Governor Walker advertisement featuring a teacher identified only as ‘Kristi’ is an excellent example of the use of testimonial, innuendo, derogatory language/name calling, and transfer as propaganda.”

And, here is an example of a fact: There is not a single statement of fact in your advertisement, Kristi. Not one! There certainly isn't any evidence to back up your non-existent facts.

And, the truth is that your opinions about recalls, your feelings about sour grapes, and your assessment of Scott Walker are completely irrelevant to everyone but yourself. You can ask my high school English teacher. Your opinions are like a@#h#$%^, Kristi—everyone has one. No one cares about yours.

However, you might still be a good propaganda tool for Governor Walker! Remember, though, you are only the tool. Hmmm… Is “tool” gender specific? Can a woman be a tool?

OK. I'm wandering. Back to methods of propaganda and why Governor Walker chose you to be his tool. This is the way a “transfer” is supposed to work: I love teachers. A teacher loves Scott Walker. I am therefore supposed to say, “Golllllyyyyy! A teacher supports Scott Walker! Holy kitty cats! Maybe I should support him, too!”

The “testimonial” from the teacher who has presumably just had her pay cut by said governor is supposed to be much more meaningful than just any old testimonial. Read the book: Propaganda for Idiots. It's in all the bookstores.

Honestly? Aren’t most people asking, “Who the hell is Kristi and who cares what she thinks?” Who even knows what she thinks because she didn't make a single meaningful statement?

Another excellent means of propaganda is derogatory language. Slip in a little ugliness about the enemy. Demean them a little. Belittle their concerns. Kristi, why not accuse them of “sour grapes!”

Oh, wait a minute! You didn’t write this advertisement. You are just the tool, but this is cool with the tool: “Why, yes! Let’s accuse people who have lost their bargaining rights over safety in the work place and have had their income cut $300/month of “sour grapes!”

I love propaganda, don’t you, Kristi? What else do we have? Oh, we have Kristi appealing to “plain folks.” That is when you talk like "down home people" so they will want to have a beer with you and overlook the fact that you might be a moron.

That is the only way that I can explain Kristi’s poor use of the English language—because if this isn’t an effort to make a “plain folks” appeal, then I would have to assume that she is almost illiterate. Next thing you know, Kristi will be having a beer with George W. down on the ranch!

What kind of teacher uses “you know” twice in three paragraphs and uses run-on sentences? A teacher who is now a propaganda tool!

You know, I feel like, maybe you’re not, quite possibly, this is just my feeling and I don’t know for sure, but possibly you are not the teacher you ought to be because basically, it’s just my opinion, and my feeling also, that Scott Walker did not promise the devastation that he has brought to Wisconsin.

I’m not big on corporatism, Kristi. And, Kristi, I think that, at this point, in my opinion — and I’m only speaking from the ‘I’ — it feels a little like you ought to give up your union job and move to…oh…say a third world country and see what it feels like to live without our progressive values and workers’ rights.

In fact, why don’t you move to a state in which teachers are not unionized! Or, give up every benefit that unions have provided you.

It feels to me a little like you ought to give up every single benefit that you currently have because of unions—because the word on the street is that you don’t support your own union--and donate all of your excess benefits to someone who would appreciate them...like my daughter! She's looking for a job. I'll send you her number! Awesome!

And, Kristi, this is a fact: Scott Walker said he'd bring jobs to Wisconsin and he didn't. We are hemorrhaging jobs.

Here's another fact: It is all about getting the votes. Recalls are about elections. Were you unaware of this? Do you read? No? TURN OFF FOX LIES. BUY A NEWSPAPER.

Hmmm...and elections are a little bit like popularity. Yes, I would say that they are about whose ideas are most popular with the voting public. But, that is just my opinion and my feeling and I am speaking with an "I" here.

You show me the evidence that Walker has been good for Wisconsin, and I'll buy you a beer.

Don’t be a tool, Kristi, for the Koch brothers. It’s an ugly job.