Dear Popes, Cardinals, Bishops, Priests, Evangelical Preacher Men, Right Wing Conservative Politicians [Ricky Perry & The Newt] in Particular:
I love you--each and every one! What a diverse group—all united by your strange interest in women’s lady bits and hoohah’s. My goodness—OH! Not because of your strange obsessions. Good guacamole, no! I love you in spite of it.
And, what an august group—except for the politicians and Ricky, of course. And, Newt. Well, and the Evangelicals. And, pedophiles—don’t want to label them “august.” They are an embarrassing lot. Oh, and the serial monogamists—ewww! Hmmm…and the cheaters in general—cannot call them “august.” Let’s take out Evangelicals—they just do not sound august and they get caught with internet porn too often…
OK, everyone else: What an august group!
So, I am here to offer you unconditional love and unstinting feedback and advice—all in the service of making you better people! Isn’t that what unconditional love is all about, after all? You are all sooooo in need of motherly advice—you have been spending far too much time with each other, and need to get out in the real world a little. Ever think about getting a real job? It would do you wonders!
You need the love and advice of a mother and I am just the woman to give it! I have so much to say that you cannot even imagine—not in your wildest moments. And, august boys, I am pretty sure you have had some pretty dark and wild moments.
Oh, I just wish I could get my hands on all of you! I really, really do! I could just…punch—Oh, that was a Freudian slip! I could just pinch your cheeks you are so cute! And, dangerous! What a combination!
Down to business: You boys don’t get out much, do you? As in:
“Out in the real world.”
“Out where young people live 10 adult years before marrying.”
“Out in the world where the single most important factor in addressing STARVATION is family planning—and, micro-loans to women.”
“Out where doctors practice medicine and not clerics or politicians.”
“Out where people without Rick Santorum’s snobbish education cannot afford REPRODUCTIVE HEALTH CARE for the wife and 10 children—and to also feed them.”
I did not mean to imply that you don’t know jack. Dear me, no! Just that you don’t get your heads out of…wherever they are (hoohahs? a@@#@?)…all that often… This was not intended to hurt. Oh dear! Sorry! So, get your heads out of those dark and steamy places and get a little dose of reality in the real world where women and children live.
Yikes! I hope you won’t mind that I’m not Catholic, nor a politician, nor an Evangelical! I am a WASP—does that help? But, then, you’re not women or doctors! And you are not even the itsy bitsiest teeny weeniest concerned about my religion when you are out there passing laws. Are we officially a theocracy, yet?
Clerics, explain to me again why The Church doesn’t pay taxes when it so clearly plays politics? So, I’m sure you won’t mind. After all, tit for tat! What does that saying mean exactly? I do not want to be vulgar! What is a tat?
Anyway, I was thinking of coming to you Clerics for advice on marriage, sexuality, how to teach my children about safe touching…but…well…you know…What the @#$% is wrong with you? And, then wide-spread cover-ups? You sound more like the mafia or a political party than a church.
I cannot help but notice you are all men?
So…You are in desperate need of loving guidance that you surely did not get from your mothers—and you are not getting it from each other. Here I am! Filled with agape and ready to go!
Your mothers were very busy ladies weren’t they? They didn’t go into a decline did they, and drink Vermouth in a dark room all afternoon? Vodka? Gin? Did they really want children? Is that what this is all about? OMG...YOU are the abortion that didn’t happen. YOU need therapy. NOW. Well, a therapist can retire, but she just cannot quit analyzing. Sorry!
Or, was God speaking to you by the time you were 5 years old? Isn’t that, well…just a bit…narcissistic? You didn’t listen to your mother much, did you!?! Good mothers frequently say things such as, "Who the h@#$ do you think you are? Jesus Almighty?" You didn't answer, "YES!" did you? I thought so. This is going to be tougher than I though!
Well, God AND your mothers speak to me, too! And, they all told me to tell you a thing or two. No pontificating. Just the facts.
That’s the way my mother did things. She did not want to rear any village idiots, pedophiles, or politicians. A trifecta would have killed her.
Since none of you seem to be getting to the point on your own, I am just going to tell you the rules:
1. YOU are NOT God. God still loves you and so do I. If you keep on your current path, I cannot make any promises.
2. NO DIDDLING CHILDREN. Period. Or very young interns. Or mentally compromised congregants. NO, you cannot even think about it.
Newt--quit leaving wife after wife after wife when she is ill. No one is worried about infidelity--we already know. We are worried your killing them.
3. NO COVER-UPS. YOU are legally adults. Act like it and DO THE RIGHT THING! It will get easier with time. We know that you do not have a moral compass, so call a mother of 2 young children. She will tell you what the right thing is! Or, call a survivor of child abuse—s/he will tell you. Or, just call me. Just call anyone at all--a 12 year old could have told you the right thing to do.
4. APPEAR TO BE NORMAL at all times. Newt and Ricky, have your mothers call me. You are not even close. Take acting classes if necessary.
5. STOP THINKING ABOUT LADY PARTS AND HOOHAHS all day long. Think about ending poverty or ending child abuse or ending marital infidelity or ending rape or funding women’s shelters …something like that!
6. STOP PRACTICING GYNECOLGY. You don’t have a license. Your congregants and constituents are not in the stirrups on the table—are they? I hope not! If they are, stop it right now and call me!
Your excessive obsession with eggs and sperm and ovaries and conception and implantation and on…and…on…and…on is simply unseemly. My gynecologist isn’t that interested in these issues.
7. YOU practice religion or politics and let doctors practice medicine. Call me a radical, but that is the opinion of the AMA--and me.
8. NO RELIGIOUS GROUP, NO POLITICAL PARTY, NO EMPLOYER, NO INSURANCE COMPANY, NO HUSBAND (FATHER OR BROTHER) IS GOING TO BE IN CHARGE OF WOMEN AND THEIR BODIES? Oh, my goodness, sorry for shouting, but you are a little hard of hearing aren’t you?
9. LET’S JOIN FORCES to see that all children are welcome and wanted, fed, clothed, housed, have medical care, get an education, and never again experience abuse or neglect.
Because basically until you do this, I’ve got my fingers in my ears going, “Na na na na na na na!” and, I just cannot hear a thing you say.
10. Until REPRODUCTIVE HEALTH CARE is covered by insurance and BIRTH CONTROL IS FREE to all women and men, circumcision is the only male REPRODUCTIVE HEALTH CARE procedure that will be covered by insurance and since it is related to decreased cancer risk in women, it will be immediately required by law and all insurance companies.
Well, I surely do love you even more than I did at the beginning of my letter! Communication is good for the soul—don’t you agree? Right now, I think I have about said it all.
But, there is tomorrow…Oh, I so hope I didn’t hurt anyone’s feelings! Bless your hearts!
PS I will be posting next week about the average penis length, the relationship to sexual satisfaction, what constitutes normal and abnormal penis shapes, the Pope’s prostate, the Cardinals’ and Bishops’ testicular health and whether or not I think evangelical men ought to shower after sex—JIC they kill off some sentient sperm.
Just the other day I was speaking with a sentient sperm and he said, to me, Vivian…Oh, that’s for next week!